Chaos and confusion- I don’t want to write anymore..

I don’t write this kind of stuff frequently. But lately I ve started enjoying this experience.

This is what I shared with you a couple of days back –There is always a way out!!

Buddhist meditation

Chaos and confusion- I don’t want to write anymore.

I’ve always been troubled with some or the other health issue since my teenage. I never realized the reason behind this. Every month I have some or the other else health issue to handle. The major health challenge I’ve faced was when I was 21- was diagnosed with mild schizophrenia. I had hallucinations and cried incessantly. The medical drugs were too strong and I kept sleeping most of the time. Once my body got used to these medicines I was up and running again- aggressive, swift, and boisterous. Back to normalcy as I might like to think. But some or the other physical health issue – minor most of the time have been a part of my life. (acidity, thyroid, restlessness, kidney stone and more- don’t know if they can be called minor) Lately, I’ve got some skin issues and been too worried about it.

This got me thinking why? Till now I perceived it as a part of my life and accepted it. But I no longer want to live like that. A slight realization that this is not the life I want to live led to searching what is wrong with my inner system- body?

The mind-body connection was something I hadn’t thought about. I’ve observed lately that whenever I do something or think of doing something my mind resists it. In fact it’s so aggressive that I don’t do that act/task for many days and then later venture into it. Imagine, you promise to do something for a friend and just don’t keep the promise. Your friend might get terribly upset about it. So there are some repercussions on your social life as well.

I’ve never been able to understand why this inner resistance? Also lately, I’ve been giving people around me a piece of my mind. Putting my foot down with people close to me – making them realize that they cannot take me for granted. There is so much anger stuffed inside me about being mistreated by everyone that I m so bundled within. I’m making my close ones realize that I cannot be a part of their life if they mistreat me.

Surprisingly, I never even noticed that people are mistreating me or taking me for granted. But, once I realized it I wanted to just yell at them. But I preferred to make them realize their point of view was affecting me and leaving me hurt and distancing them from me.

I want to dive deeper into my mind to just peel all layers and get to the core of who I am – how will this help, you ask me? I feel I will be able to confront, accept myself, and be at peace. Let me share one more thing with you. I often cry when I meditate and pray. Something deep inside me is touched and I cry.

Here is probably my answer- pain. This pain has harmed me to no extent. I’ve frozen all the moments when people have hurt me and carried with me for too long. I don’t notice its presence in me but my body manifests it. I’m hurting myself deeply – to my utter disbelief I had started enjoying the pain and hurt as it fed my poems with expression. Pain resulted in deeply disturbing poetry and prose.

I kept wondering whenever I decide to write why are my poems so dark? Not even an iota of happiness or celebration of life. In fact I was celebrating my hurt, pain, and fears.

It is a scary proposition for me to get this issue solved because that is one of the reasons I write-deeply disturbed and hurt I see writing as an answer. Is writing healing me or just an outlet? I want to be at peace and write some great texts- I resist it as always.

The only thing I’ve never resisted is writing down a thought. But is writing helping me?

I ‘am not listening to myself too!!

NOTE: I’ve picked this image long back and stored it but, can’t find its source. If you come across the source please write to me – will mention it on my blog.

© Copyright 2020 Rashmi Malapur All rights reserved

Why Do I Write?

IMG_5152

Thank-you Amit Bose for clicking this candid snap.

When you are hurt you hit hard with words,
You don’t know what you are hitting at, who are you hitting with words?
Some who read say, “You wrote well”,
Some call you insane,
Some ignore but, you write cause writing empties you and then fills you with immense joy. Words do have that soothing power.
This poem shares my reasons for writing.

Writing

Screaming out to the heaven,
Loathing in disharmony,
Fuming in fathomless anger,
Restless regardless of the world,
Hiding, hoarding deep in the shackles of daily worldly disdainful, tasteless world.
Weighing words with disgusting balance.
Yelling within, peaceful ‘me’ is just a sham.
Words wane the anger, disgust and fury
String of hurriedly typed words with a gush of emotion.
Now a peaceful me is a picture of perfect happiness.

© Copyright 2016 Rashmi S. Malapur All rights reserved.