Chaos and confusion- I don’t want to write anymore..

I don’t write this kind of stuff frequently. But lately I ve started enjoying this experience.

This is what I shared with you a couple of days back –There is always a way out!!

Buddhist meditation

Chaos and confusion- I don’t want to write anymore.

I’ve always been troubled with some or the other health issue since my teenage. I never realized the reason behind this. Every month I have some or the other else health issue to handle. The major health challenge I’ve faced was when I was 21- was diagnosed with mild schizophrenia. I had hallucinations and cried incessantly. The medical drugs were too strong and I kept sleeping most of the time. Once my body got used to these medicines I was up and running again- aggressive, swift, and boisterous. Back to normalcy as I might like to think. But some or the other physical health issue – minor most of the time have been a part of my life. (acidity, thyroid, restlessness, kidney stone and more- don’t know if they can be called minor) Lately, I’ve got some skin issues and been too worried about it.

This got me thinking why? Till now I perceived it as a part of my life and accepted it. But I no longer want to live like that. A slight realization that this is not the life I want to live led to searching what is wrong with my inner system- body?

The mind-body connection was something I hadn’t thought about. I’ve observed lately that whenever I do something or think of doing something my mind resists it. In fact it’s so aggressive that I don’t do that act/task for many days and then later venture into it. Imagine, you promise to do something for a friend and just don’t keep the promise. Your friend might get terribly upset about it. So there are some repercussions on your social life as well.

I’ve never been able to understand why this inner resistance? Also lately, I’ve been giving people around me a piece of my mind. Putting my foot down with people close to me – making them realize that they cannot take me for granted. There is so much anger stuffed inside me about being mistreated by everyone that I m so bundled within. I’m making my close ones realize that I cannot be a part of their life if they mistreat me.

Surprisingly, I never even noticed that people are mistreating me or taking me for granted. But, once I realized it I wanted to just yell at them. But I preferred to make them realize their point of view was affecting me and leaving me hurt and distancing them from me.

I want to dive deeper into my mind to just peel all layers and get to the core of who I am – how will this help, you ask me? I feel I will be able to confront, accept myself, and be at peace. Let me share one more thing with you. I often cry when I meditate and pray. Something deep inside me is touched and I cry.

Here is probably my answer- pain. This pain has harmed me to no extent. I’ve frozen all the moments when people have hurt me and carried with me for too long. I don’t notice its presence in me but my body manifests it. I’m hurting myself deeply – to my utter disbelief I had started enjoying the pain and hurt as it fed my poems with expression. Pain resulted in deeply disturbing poetry and prose.

I kept wondering whenever I decide to write why are my poems so dark? Not even an iota of happiness or celebration of life. In fact I was celebrating my hurt, pain, and fears.

It is a scary proposition for me to get this issue solved because that is one of the reasons I write-deeply disturbed and hurt I see writing as an answer. Is writing healing me or just an outlet? I want to be at peace and write some great texts- I resist it as always.

The only thing I’ve never resisted is writing down a thought. But is writing helping me?

I ‘am not listening to myself too!!

NOTE: I’ve picked this image long back and stored it but, can’t find its source. If you come across the source please write to me – will mention it on my blog.

© Copyright 2020 Rashmi Malapur All rights reserved

Why Do I Write?

IMG_5152

Thank-you Amit Bose for clicking this candid snap.

When you are hurt you hit hard with words,
You don’t know what you are hitting at, who are you hitting with words?
Some who read say, “You wrote well”,
Some call you insane,
Some ignore but, you write cause writing empties you and then fills you with immense joy. Words do have that soothing power.
This poem shares my reasons for writing.

Writing

Screaming out to the heaven,
Loathing in disharmony,
Fuming in fathomless anger,
Restless regardless of the world,
Hiding, hoarding deep in the shackles of daily worldly disdainful, tasteless world.
Weighing words with disgusting balance.
Yelling within, peaceful ‘me’ is just a sham.
Words wane the anger, disgust and fury
String of hurriedly typed words with a gush of emotion.
Now a peaceful me is a picture of perfect happiness.

© Copyright 2016 Rashmi S. Malapur All rights reserved.

Writing 101: Day 21: Sleepy Time: Starry Starry Night

Sleepy Time

More and more of us go to bed too late because of sleep procrastination. What are the nighttime rituals that keep you up before finally doing off?

Click: Amit BoseIMG-20140529-WA0025

Once I hit the bed thoughts gush one by one, about life, work, people, memories, special moments and the whole day.

It is time for creativity galore and introspection. Most of the times I fall  asleep while I am still lost in these thoughts.

I wonder why the most amazing thoughts come to me when I go to sleep. I guess I am more relaxed. Some thoughts are so powerful that I pull out my diary and pen them down. The best part of writing is that it becomes a habit to pen down your thoughts and when you are about to give up on something, you write to yourself, ‘You got to pull this through. Don’t give up’. As you write this you actually start bucking up.

This happened to me last week and my belief that writing heals became stronger.

Writing 101: Day 2: A True Saint

A True Saint

In 300 years, if you were to be named the patron saint of X, what would you like X to be? Places, activities, objects — all are fair game.

 

You know Writing 101, is truly wonderful….It makes me think and introspect. I get down to writing about things I never would think of writing. It prompts, initiates and motivates. No doubt my blog is a constant companion. I love sharing stuff with my blog and co- bloggers. My blog is a friend of course….and is such a listener. Ah!!

Cheers to the WordPress team!!!

gulmohar lonavala

Click: Lonavala

Saint?  Now that is difficult to be. But, if given a choice to be a Saint of X, hmmm, well then I would be Saint of travel. I would be the one to set myself free. Travel to distant lands and never have to come back home.  I would be a traveling Saint.

No one would know where I lived and how I lived. Not a word from me. I would travel….You know it feels really great to visit places far and distant. No entanglements, no attachments.

But, then eventually its the search within that is so enduring. May by travelling extensively I would peep within more often and keep writing more and more.

Oh yes a Saint is difficult to be….

 

tree lonavala

Click: Lonavala

I want to wander to spaces far and distant,
I want to absorb as much as the journeys unfold,
For long I lingered on what I wished to do,
I denied to break the shackles of fear & hesitation,
Pulling myself in the mundane & routine life,
And saying ‘Life is perfectly the way I want it to be’,
No longer could I hold back my wishes,
As I traveled over weekends I found each place transcends time,
It had itself traversed a journey &
When I visit it again,
It will have traversed much more & I would have too,
The give and take between me & the journey/destinations,
Is what I crave for.
A vagabond is what I truly want to be.